From various wise men and women, plus personal thoughts and observations.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell and actually make you look forward to the journey.
Flat is the new up.
In the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is king.
A man should go to bed with a lot of women, so when he meets the right one, he'll know what he's doing.
A woman should go to bed with a lot of men, so when she meets the right one, she'll know what she's doing.
There is one thing in life that God can not forgive: when a woman calls a man to her bed and he does not go.
"An eye for an eye" leaves the whole world blind.
He who does right for the wrong reason will eventually do right for the right reason.
It's always the cable's fault.
The number-one cause of divorce is marriage.
They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.
The average number of testicles that people have is one.
If you don't care what others think, you can get a lot accomplished and have a lot of fun.
Never buy less than a pound of anything.
Nothing is worth waiting for. If something is really important, get it NOW.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need.
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
Ver es kusht zayn eygn vayb, o yener iz meshige. (Whoever kisses his own wife is crazy.)
The loudness of an argument does not compensate for its lack of logic or truth.
Don't put off 'til tomorrow, what you can put off 'til the day after tomorrow.
Delayed trials help the guilty and hurt the innocent.
If you act like you belong, people will assume you do belong.
If you act like you have authority, you will have authority.
Most people prefer to accept than to challenge.
Everything is negotiable. Even life itself.
Taste it before you put salt on it.
The bravest man in the history of the world was the first guy who ate a lobster.
Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.
Fahrenheit temperature equals Celsius temperature times 9/5 plus 32 degrees.
Even one vote can make a big difference (but it depends on who's voting). In 2000, Dubya was put in the White House because of a 5-4 vote in the Supreme Court.
Bullshit becomes more believable if you include some real and recognizable stuff in the story. People will start nodding their heads and go along with the rest of it.
Even if you don't know more than what 99% of the people know, you can still make a pretty good living if you know more than what 50% of the people know. Or even 30%.
It's easy to get a job if you're an expert in a field, but it's easier to keep a job if you're an expert in several fields.
Don't assume the person you're following knows where he's going.
Don't ask directions. There's no reason to assume the other person knows any more that you do. Use a map and GPS.
Don't assume anything.
Some maps and GPS information are wrong.
Never go to a restaurant until it's been open at least 30 days. Let them make mistakes with someone else's stomach.
You trust your mother, but cut the cards.
If you pay cash, you pay too much. You can even use your credit card at Dunkin' Donuts and the Post Office, and earn rewards points for trips and toys, or a cash rebate, depending on the card.
At the end of the year, use your Amex card to make tax-deductable charity contributions online. It's quick, easy, you get good documentation, and you earn rewards points for trips and toys.
If you have to fire someone, make him or her leave immediately. It's no good to have a miserable and unproductive person hanging around for two weeks, who might make other employees uncomfortable, and do physical damage.
If you have employees sitting around with nothing to do, tell them to look through the Yellow Pages of the phone book to find sale leads. Each new edition has new potential customers.
Company vehicles are mobile advertising. Make sure your cars, vans and trucks clearly identify your company name, and display your phone number, specialties, and slogan. Make sure they're kept clean and that body damage is fixed promptly; and don't let employees do anything stupid while using vehicles bearing the company name.
If you live where winter weather is bad and your personal car gets some minor body damage in the winter, don't rush to get it fixed. There's a good chance that you'll get hit again in the same spot, and you'll only have to pay for one repair.
Dogs will always eat cat food. Cats will seldom eat dog food.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. But it might kill you after it makes you stronger.
Former owners of unsuccessful businesses usually make bad employees. They may find it difficult to take orders, and to change the bad habits that put them out of business.
Former owners of successful businesses may also find it difficult to take orders, but will probably have useful suggestions, and will be efficient workers and will be conscious of profitability.
One secret for a successful marriage: compromises piss-off both people. If one of you wants black walls and the other wants white walls, and you get gray walls, you'll both be unhappy. A better strategy is to have "alternate victories," where you take turns making decisions. Have one room with white walls and one room with black walls. Stay out of the room you hate, and savor the one you like.
The older you get, the faster time moves. When you're in high school, it takes an hour for the minute hand to move to the next mark and each 45-minute class lasts a century. By the time you're 60 years old, there's just just five months between your annual eye exams. When you're 70, there's just five minutes between lunch and supper.
You know you're old when you talk more about the things you've done, than about the things you're going to do. Therefore, I'm old.
The first sign of getting old is when you encounter cops who are younger than you are, then come teachers, then doctors, rabbis and priests, and then presidents. Then you discover that some people whom you always thought were older than you are, are actually younger than you.
You're also old when people start calling you "Mister" or "Ma'am."
For a male, one advantage of getting older, is that you can get turned on by many more females than when you were younger. I can't speak for women.
Getting old is better than dying young.
Even assholes have money to spend.
There's much more in my bestseller Do As I Say, Not As I Did, paperback and ebook.